Courage and changes.

Someone once asked me what was the ONE thing I wanted most in my life. I thought really hard about it - there were many things I wanted. But I knew they were just many things, and there had to be that ONE thing that connected my desires. And this is the ONE thing that will tell me why, until today, I still want these many things, rather than HAVE them.

Finally, I said: Courage.

noun: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty

Opportunities have come and gone. But many times, as I stood before the threshold of change, I was held back by my fear of change and uncertainty. Most of all, I was terrified of making the wrong choice.

Therefore, I want Courage. Courage to believe in myself, and what I want. Courage to believe in my choice, to make that choice without looking back, and to see my choice through the end. Sometimes, I can almost believe that greater things await me - but I've never had the courage to reach out and claim them. So, I've never known how far I could go. Instead, I continue to live each day in the comforting shade of my shadow, dreaming about what I want, and reassuring myself that though I might only be half the person I could be, at least I'm happy enough.

And then, there are Changes.

noun: the act, process, or result of changing; alteration; transformation; substitution; the passage of the moon from one phase to another

Changes can be swift, sudden and brutal. Within a few days, the love of your life (not anymore) can make his one choice, which sets in motion a series of events that leads to you making your one choice too - to end the relationship a month later. Or your friend (not anymore), who has been enjoying the privilege of using you as the Welcome Doormat, finds it pulled from under her feet abruptly - because you have decided to stand up for yourself. Unfortunately, you have allowed yourself to be stepped on for so long, that she thinks it has always been her right to put all her interests before yours, and she goes around telling everyone that you have gotten too big for your shoes. And you wonder why everyone is looking at you 'funny'.

When you allow such untenable situations to continue, they will eventually reach a point where they have to be resolved, one way or another. And change that comes about in such circumstances tends to be - unpleasant, to say the least. When you let your fear hold you back, you are possibly just paving the way to more heartache and trouble in the future.

Changes can also happen slowly and imperceptibly. You know how it is, when you have settled so comfortably into the daily routine of living, that sometimes, you don't notice the passage of time. Then, one day, you find yourself doing Christmas shopping again, and you realise that yet another year has passed, and some things have changed in the meantime.

Sometimes, the realisation of change can be as surprising to yourself, as to others who have started to notice the change in you. But while you might welcome the change, others might not, especially if they are envious of your improved fortunes.

So, I was quite taken aback when someone said to me recently (and very bitterly) that I had 'everything'. I know I have changed, and am still changing, but I don't know just how much, nor its effect on people around me.

Because of that interesting statement, I've become even more cognizant of my surroundings AND the opportunities out there. Indeed, I get the distinct feeling that people have been paying more attention to me in the last few weeks, and that things are only starting to pick up speed. Or maybe, changes can be 'seasonal'; a little something in the air.

The fish (I lost interest after finding out that he was attached - don't know if that's still the case), has started to pay more attention to me, even as I became more aloof and did not seek out his eye as before. It was actually rather uncomfortable at a recent meeting, because anyone who happened to be looking in our direction would not have missed the extended eye contact and wide grins. Shrug. Whatever.

Rules of engagement.

What do I think about the government 'encouraging homosexuality' and according homosexuals 'special' rights? Nothing that I'll care to share, with you. Unless of course, you are genuinely interested in my views and engaging in a mature discussion - and NOT so that you can judge me. (Well, God forbid. But you did just that, didn't you?)

I'll not forget the anger that flared behind your dark eyes when I shrugged my disinterest.

When you tried to broach the subject again, I asked instead what you would think of a close friend, who's been through thick and thin with you, who decided to come out of the closet.

I'll not forget the momentary shock, and then disgust, that unsettled your face, when you thought for a moment that I was hinting that I was one of those whose sins you hate but whose person you claim to love - except your love, strangely enough, involves distancing yourself from such a person, for fear of your friend's (or is that ex-friend's) 'unhealthy influence' on you.

You're so quick and eager with that big black marker of yours, drawing lines between those who share your 'moral' views on the sanctity of the family unit, and those who refuse to discard their 'immoral' beliefs. How soon will it be before you justify drawing one more line between Christians and non-Christians - between you and I?

Though I didn't tell you this, I didn't think the government had accorded homosexuals any 'special' rights. They had merely asked to be accorded the SAME rights that the rest of us have. Why do you and your kind want to deprive them of these same rights that we have, and worse, falsely portray this desire to enjoy the same rights as wanting 'special' rights?

The moral decay of society does not begin and end with homosexuality. Perhaps, your kind should spend more time looking at and doing something about other social ills too. Why expend so much effort on this single obsession with that one apple tree that tempts your soul with its promises of sensual pleasures, while the rest of the garden flourishes, unabated, with weeds?